Halloween XV

Halloween is here and the horrors at @bonuspoint thought we'd give you a treat rather than a trick with our matchday programme of fifteen monsters.

Even though it's October the thirty-first and rugby only has thirty men on a field, the differences aren't as weird as you might think.

So pull out your fake teeth, and take off your witch's hat whilst having a look at these horrors.

Venue: Ravenhill

Teams: The Munsters vs London Irish X-Files

Coach: Die Young

 

1.     Paultergeist James

2.     Lee Fears

3.     Addams Family Jones

4.     Dean Mummy

5.     Simon Texas Chain-Shaw Massacre

6.     Chris Robsaw VI

7.     Scary Dusatoir

8.     Imanol Horrornordoquy

 

9.     Morgan Parra-normal Activity

10.  Toby Fake Blood

11.  Andrew Tremble

12.  Gavin Henson of Dracula

13.  Frankensteyn

14.  Chris Slashton

15.  Devil Armitage

Replacements: William Creepy Servant, Tom Haunted Wood, James Hound of the Baskerville, Mike Blair-Witch Project , Here’s Jonny Wilkinson, Sam Norton-Kightmare on Elm Street.

Classics: Zombie Brooke, Rupert Fullmoon, John Creaky Dawes, Philippe Haunted Sella, Dusty Scare, David Campfire Storiese 

@bonuspoint

Vive La Touch Rugby Revolution

With the Autumn International series fast approaching, you can already start to hear people screaming through the streets of Europe " Argghh! The Southern Hemisphere is coming!" (Although admittedly in France they’d say “Merde! Le Hemisphere Southern est arrivé!”) Rugby fans are pulling their hair out at the prospect of turning the TV off after eighty minutes whilst sighing and muttering those immortal words in sport: "So close…and yet so far". The stress is beginning to get too much. Even our trees are losing their leaves.

So whilst the teams from the Rugby Championship are daunting, we only have ourselves to blame. Well, by 'us' I mean our rugby system.

Professional rugby has meant that the gap between a player and his opposite number's physical stature is no longer a sizable advantage. Gym regimes and diets allow the modern rugby player to be sculpted by their team's conditioner.

However the difference in their attacking ‘nous’ is as large as the distance between the two rugby hemispheres. And, like the plates beneath the continents, the gap is increasing. I'm not talking about individual skill levels - in fact, the opposite. The exploitation of your opponents defence is now key. Defences are stronger and attacking is harder.

The All Blacks are World Champions and rugby’s most feared opponents because they do exactly this. They're ruthless. Give them an inch, and they'll take a metre. Give them some space, and they'll score a try. The writing's on the wall once you learn that their motto is "Subdue And Penetrate"!

The key lies in a country's rugby ethos, and sadly the South's grassroots of rugby is far greener than ours. Touch rugby is the sport many southern hemisphere kids play in their free time, using jumpers to mark out the pitch. This makes running with the ball in hand a much more natural feeling.

So why should we act now? The northern hemisphere has looked impressive at times and taken a few scalps - Scotland's wet win over Australia, France reaching the 2011 Rugby World Cup final. We've come close haven't we? Maybe not...

For example in the RBS 6 nations this year (Warning! Stats alert!) a total of 3.1 tries were scored per game. This is the lowest figure since the tournament began, with 75 tries scored each year from 2000-3, compared to 46 in 2012. Arguably teams have improved (mainly Italy) to lower this average, but a steady decline is still happening.

I propose the time has come to stop the rot on European attack. But first, like an old wooden bench that's been out in the British winter too long, the legs might need replacing. So let's start at the bottom.

An emphasis on Touch Rugby has to be made in British schools, and age grade rugby should have tournaments during the summer. League tables and divisions should be set up, and a more competitive attitude should follow. Obviously touch tournaments exist, but the emphasis should be shifted to the moment a child picks up a ball- instead of using the skilful game as a fifteen-minute warm-up at training.

Anyway, who wouldn’t want a summer of rugby? What could be better than a game of beach rugby? Everyone needs a break from the sport, but it’s the perfect way to help children look up at a defence whilst running straight with the ball in two hands. Only then can they exploit an overlap and release the wide man.

Of course tackling and set pieces are what makes the game we love so desirable. But what makes it great to watch is the attack, and thus the act of scoring a try. We need to shorten the gap between the two hemispheres as new laws are being trialled to create even quicker ball from rucks.

Bar touch rugby, the RFU should look at making age grade rugby pitches wider, especially in tag rugby. This could encourage young players to use the full width of the pitch. Perhaps tags should be removed from the game completely. That would stop players from drifting across the pitch, dodging any outstretched arms.

Another interesting solution could be weight classifications. Physicality is important, but perhaps some leagues could remove the one large ball carrier who has been running through the smaller kids all day. Instead, put him (or her) in a team of similar sized players. That way they'll improve as a player before they get to secondary education, by which time everyone else has had their growth spurts. As a result, players are made to beat their opposition at a young age by scoring tries as a team, rather than using that one boy who hit puberty when he was in a nappy.

It's an idea, and many will disagree as rugby is made for all shapes and sizes. But the sad fact is that Europe is not on the same wavelength as their southern cousins. The northern hemisphere is ready for the physical challenges this autumn. Instead it will be the mental challenges that will prove the most daunting.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. And you certainly can’t teach them how to score on an overlap.

Vive la revolution.
                                                                            @bonuspoint

Rugby versus Football

Now I don't want to start any playground bickering of "My dad's bigger than your dad"- but let's face it, if my dad was a rugby player, and your dad was a footballer... I'd win. There will always be a counter argument for football, but here is why there shouldn't be.

The reason the arm wrestle is won and slammed down on the oval ball's side (in a matter of seconds) is because rugby is rebellious. It's simple. You want to be the guy in the leather jacket and combed-back hair driving off with the girl. So what if it means you're middle aged and you spend your mortgage on a motorbike? That feeling you get is exactly the same as taping up for a big rugby game.

Footballers are the kind of people who keep the screen protectors on their phones, who always have a bag for life in hand, and the only leather they own are driving gloves. OK maybe I've gone on about leather a bit too much- but the metaphor still stands.

Put it this way, wouldn't it have been more fun to run off football in hand with William Webb Ellis, then stand there with the other footballers rolling on the ground and screaming in the ref's face? The fact rugby is born through football even creates the idea of the rebellious kid. One who climbs out of their bedroom window to go partying, whilst their unknowing parents naively sit downstairs in cardigans.

In sport you'll always hear "Put your body on the line" shouted. But watching football it often feels like they have interpreted it as "Put your body in a line", as you see the pathetic dives to grab the ref's attention, like spoiled kids.

Rugby players have a different philosophy in sport, often playing with the mantra of "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today". Too extreme? 

All I'm saying is, next time you run at the fast approaching defence, and there's no way out, isn't it better to go out in style- in a big ball of flames, then whimpering like a little girl whilst in the foetal position?

 

Rugby isn't reckless and barbaric- but it feels like it is, wrestling those suppressed natural feelings that could escape at any minute. It explodes passion on the field and is united all the way through to its name. I'm not saying Football isn't- but it can often go missing on our screens as we watch the theatrics instead.

So whilst one sport can never be crowned better than the other, you can do one thing. Next time you're forced to watch Football in your local, just think... "What would William Webb Ellis do?" and run out of there with the TV in your arms.

Now back to James Dean's autobiography- I can't wait to see how it ends!